Fall seems strange. And no, I don’t just mean the weather. (Though I did buy a wool, tartan cape *with a toggle!* to try to will fall into being. It didn’t work.)

It has been not quite a year since Preston’s official diagnosis. Which was, technically, November 1st. But October last year was such a roller coaster.

So many things are conjuring up some scary memories.

• I remember remarking to my mother-in-law at the state fair – “I just wish we knew. That way, they can help him feel better.” At that point, cancer was but a remote and unlikely scenario.
• My beloved grandmother passed away the same week we found out that cancer was actually fairly likely. We had 16 people over to our house for dinner the night she died and it was about 15 minutes after we got that phone call. My mom knew, but somehow, I held it together. I think about the anniversary of her death and realize I never really had the head space to mourn.
• Hurricane Matthew happened then, too – my car was smushed by a branch and didn’t ever get fully repaired – we used some of the money to help pay medical bills. My dad did a pretty sweet super glue repair on the spoiler.
• My birthday SUCKED. We “found out” on a Friday afternoon. P had called me earlier and told me to take the afternoon off so we could go antiquing to celebrate my birthday. Between that call and when I got home, the doctor had called with the news.

Fall is normally my favorite time of year. But last year it just got lost in the shuffle. Sometimes it still doesn’t quite feel like it was my life I was living.

Routine feels strange, but also wonderful. Things like cooking dinner and seeing friends, and not missing large chunks of work, and Preston working again… it is all awesome. And yet, we still feel not quite whole. I think I’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop – I got so used to being in crisis, my brain won’t quite let me relax. People say, “You must feel so relieved!” and I do – I really do – but I also toggle between that and “OHGODITCOULDSTARTAGAINTOMORROW” and I just can’t get past it.

We’ve made some good changes. We’re trying very hard to limit processed foods and eat more fruits and veggies. I have subscribed to The Produce Box and I love love love it.  (They do not pay me to say that. I just genuinely love it.) They deliver it once a week and I get 90% of my groceries that way.

We’ve started making some of our own things, too – Preston has been making bread once a week. I’ve learned to make cheese (it is actually really easy.) Conor and I got a batch of “ugly” apples from produce box, and we made some amazing apple sauce. I even make my own spice blends and sauces much more frequently than I used to. I like being able to control things like sugar, added sodium, preservatives, etc. It makes me feel like *something* is in my control.

And, though we have no immediate plans to go off grid, the healthcare kerfluffle really stresses me out, and having to go ex-pat or move to a more progressive state is actually something we’ve had to think about. It makes me so anxious – I’m not going to get into it because I don’t need to have high blood pressure on top of everything else.

But do know this – what Trump is doing with his executive orders is ACTIVELY SABOTAGING healthcare. It’s not “fixing” anything. You think it’s bad now? You just wait, friends. He is taking out things that were holding the marketplace somewhat stable. You take those subsidies and mandates out and the whole thing topples like a house of cards. Because insurances are businesses, they will raise rates because capitalism and they can. Do you think they keep people with pre-existing conditions on their roles out of the goodness of their heart?

I said I wasn’t going to talk about it. But UGH.

Anyways.

Preston’s new job is going well. He loves working for Hudson Mann – they are supportive and lovely and I’m not just saying that because it’s family. I don’t roll with the “everything happens for a reason” concept, and really don’t subscribe to the whole “God’s plan” thing, but good gracious I’m glad he didn’t have to go straight from cancer treatment to the AICPA…. (It’s possible that I still make obscene gestures toward the building when I pass it on I-40… sorry other cars that don’t understand that context.)

P’s job, my continued supportive environment at work, and C being 4 1/2 (and thereby a fairly reasonable creature) we’ve been able to have some really good family time through the summer and early fall. Beach trips, time with family and friends, time to just play and be and breathe.

People keep asking me, “how are you celebrating?” The answer is pretty boring:

• I cook dinner most nights (y’all I jumped on the Instant Pot train and I AM A FAN.)
• We don’t watch TV in the mornings so much anymore so C gets to spend more time playing and talking with us
• We save more money
• We bought a really nice mattress (actually, we got some money back from the hospital and it was this bizarre and unexpected windfall that helped pay off credit cards and finance the mattress. Ok, maybe things do happen for a reason…)
• I kept a garden alive through the last part of the summer and have replanted for fall. HUZZAH.
• I’ve been taking a hip hop class and, though I look ridiculous, it gives me LIFE. #tapforever but this is a fun new outlet!

I also find that I’m spending a lot of time talking with people about our privilege and how much of an influence that has had on P’s treatment and how our family fared overall in this ordeal. I’ve talked about it before here, and I’m sure I will again. We were certainly lucky, but we were also incredibly fortunate.  I’d like to spend some more time articulating the difference between the two (you know, between the batches of cheese and applesauce.)

The world seems a little scary right now. Fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, politics, divisiveness, anger, racism, shootings, hate. I wish my brain had the capacity to fully comprehend what was going on and how we got to be this way. I crave that understanding. I want to engage and help people learn and understand what privilege is and how it has impacted my family. I want everyone to be more kind. I want internet trolls to disappear. I don’t believe they represent most people! I actually think that “most people” aren’t represented in popular culture, the media, or government.

How do we reclaim that space? Do we have harder conversations at family gatherings? Do we give more grace or fight back? Can we get outside of our bubble long enough to make a change? How can I ensure that my child grows up understanding that “difference” is possibly the most fundamental and interesting thing about being on the planet?

There I go again, offering lots of meandering thoughts with little in the way of action or substance.

So, here’s what I’m going to do.

1. I’m going to make sure Conor has exposure to cultures and people whose backgrounds are different than his.
2. I’m going to go to one event between now and the new year that is not in my bubble. (that is not a high bar) I will learn something new.
3. I’ll continue to learn how to articulate white privilege and talk about it more openly with friends and family. (be forewarned)*  **
4. I’m going to learn how to can things because we’re feeling pretty well positioned for the apocalypse but I feel that skill could come in handy.

 

Anyways. That’s the latest with us.

 

*pats self on back thinking those goals are excellent and then realizes there is so much more to be done.

**decides to give herself some grace because you’ve got to start somewhere!