Peace out. Good riddance. And all of that.

The holidays were (mostly) pretty darn lovely. We were all spoiled rotten (especially Conor – it will take weeks to fully deprogram him from expecting new toys and candy every day… since his Bday is coming up, it will be March before he’s normal again…)

We even had a few minutes to take some decent family photos (thanks, Brandy!) We realized when Ashely set up the Go Fund Me campaign that we didn’t have good pictures of the three of us! Let that be a lesson for you – you never know when you’re going to need to have shiny family pictures for crappy reasons, so go out and get some! Ha.

Christmas morning was magical for Conor this year. Santa was generous (it seems that retail therapy is something that has helped him get through the Fall…) and he is at a special age. We watched loads of holiday movies and broke all of the bedtime/naptime/eating rules. It was great.

Preston completed round 4 of chemo last week. He was feeling pretty darn good before then. But those 5 days – they are a doozy for everyone. He feels terrible, I get all lonely and weepy, and Conor gets to hang with grandparents a lot (Ok, so maybe it works out in his favor a bit.) We are really lucky to have people around so that he can be shielded (sort of) from the tough chemo days.

P is still a major trooper. His attitude is incredible, and it keeps the rest of us in line. That’s not to say we don’t all have bad mental health days, but on the whole, we’re plugging along and feeling optimistic. He will have scans at the end of this month to (hopefully) view some very shrunk tumors. Then maybe surgery.

For all of you who have helped out in the last few weeks, I’ll keep saying it – thank you. We are blessed to know many generous people and very good cooks.

Some days it feels like we’ve been doing this dance forever. We’ve settled into a routine that is more or less feeling normal. But really, it’s only been two months since his first surgery, and less than three since we first heard the words “colon cancer.”

I’m not big on resolutions for New Years – and especially now – setting unrealistic expectations for myself seems, well, pretty darn stupid. But, I do have some things I want to try to do every day, or whenever I can:

1. Get outside. Talk to the trees. Take a walk. Breathe.
2. Continue to crochet for others. Cancer patients? Friends and family? Who needs a hat? It makes me feel good to create warm, fuzzy things, and crocheting is a bit like meditation for me.
3. Forgive myself and others. Let’s face it, my emotions are, well, a bit on edge. And I am easily annoyed by people who say stupid things to us about cancer (like when the nurse at my doctor’s office went on and on about her brother-in-law’s slow and painful death from colon cancer… WHY.) But this is hard all around, which means we need even more grace than usual.
4. Spend time with people I love. More lunches. More coffees. More phone dates. I’m coming for you, people.

So, here’s to 2017 and the health, healing, and love it’s going to bring.

On Sunday, my sister and I escaped for a quick, but eventful trip to NYC. It was a wonderful escape, and I’m so glad Rebecca was game for some impromptu shenanigans, that Preston was 100% supportive of the adventure, and that my parents were down to stay with a puking Conor…

Let me back up. Saturday, Becca and I took Conor to Marbles Kids Museum. Our fave. About an hour in, C starts complaining that his head hurts. Then his neck. I high tail it to CVS for some ibuprofen thinking he has a headache. He FREAKED OUT on poor Becca.

I gave him some meds and he said, “That won’t help mama….” and proceeded to toss his cookies all over the Marbles store.

He was pretty pitiful the rest of the day. We took him to mom and dad’s because we didn’t want to risk Preston catching whatever it was Conor had.

The doc confirmed it was probably just a virus, and after some rest, C seemed to be feeling better. He threw up again around bedtime, but my rather amazing parents, husband, aunt and uncle and mother in law insisted that they had it covered.

So, we went.

And it was awesome.

The full reason for the trip was to see “Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812.” It was INCREDIBLE. And many of you don’t know me well enough to know that I am a Broadway NERD so for me to say it is second only to “Wicked,” is high praise.

Oh, and it stars Josh Groban. Who I unabashedly love.

And I don’t care what you think. He is wonderful. And he was SO good as Pierre.

Proof. 

We also did a scenic tour of what we later realized were famous spots in romantic comedies…

• Gray’s Papayas (of You’ve Got Mail and Fools Rush In)
• Serendipity (of, well, Serendipity)
• Zabar’s (also of You’ve Got Mail)

And of our favorite NY spots…

• Cafe Habana
• Rice to Riches
• M&Ms store
• ALL the museum stores

We had a fabulous time. Many thanks to Erin for letting us borrow her apartment, my parents for watching Conor, and the C man, for not throwing up anymore after I left.

My sister in a foggy Central Park.

Yes to both of these things.

SUCH a good show. Listening to the soundtrack right this very second.

Thank you. I feel like I spend a lot of time wandering around in a fog of graciousness. I’ve said it before, and will keep saying it – we are so. very. fortunate.

And we will pay it forward someday. Promise.

Also, I have the best of intentions on thank-you notes… isn’t it the thought that counts?

When Preston and I had first started dating, we decided to take a trip up to Busch Gardens. (We thought that a theme park where the theme was “beer” sounded A-OK to us.) We stayed at a rather pitiful Holiday Inn and had dinner at Cracker Barrel. Preston beat me (badly) at checkers and I haven’t played since.

The next day, we went to the park. We started off with beer (no really, they do tastings and it’s free and fun) and then rode roller coasters all day.

Here’s the thing, I don’t really like most roller coasters. I like the twirly upside down ones (at Busch Gardens it is “Alpengeist” and I could ride it ALL DAY) but those other ones, no thanks. My least favorite is Apollo’s Chariot. It’s the one where Fabio got hit in the face with a goose. (Why do I remember this ridiculous detail?)

Anyways, there is just this tiny lap bar, and my legs aren’t long enough to touch the floor of the cart, so I’m just sort of dangling there. And at the very tippy top, there’s a surprise drop – you drop a tiny bit, stop, and then you go down the huge one.

My stomach is turning just thinking about it.

And it’s, by far, the best analogy for how I’m feeling on a daily basis. You spend lots of time waiting, are happy to finally get going, then start up a hill where the anticipation damn near kills you. Then, you go over the top and careen toward the ground with technical precision, but it feels haphazard and reckless. For me, my face gets contorted in weird ways. Totally involuntary and I HATE it.

And then little fun curves and drops and some good times, and then you get off with wobbly knees and a big smile, and head toward the next one.

And the next one has giant shoulder harnesses and you are too short to fit, so your head just bobbles between them the whole time.

That stomach drop feeling? That happens to me about 6 times a day. It happens when we have some new hurdle or difficulty, of course, but also when we get blown away by the generosity and kindness of others. And then there are just tons of things that make us smile. We spend a lot more time smiling and having fun than you might think. It’s a great testament to Preston’s attitude about this whole thing, and our sweet little boy. It is damn hard to be in a crappy mood when he is around (and has had a nap. haha)

Chemo tomorrow. Certainly comes with a feeling of anticipation – will it be like the first time with minimal side effects? Are they going to keep getting worse each time? – but we have faith that the medicine is working and that it will all be worth it in the end. Wobbly knees and all.

(Consider yourself warned to skip this post, or lower your expectations, if you like my Wife’s intelligence and wittiness or punctuation, grammar, words that a toddler can’t pronounce… you get the point) 

And we’re off…. Well one more warning, this is going to be long as I don’t intend to post again soon. First thanks to my beautiful wife for setting up and updating this blog. I have had so many people comment on how much they enjoy being able to keep up with everything in such a convenient way and at how talented a writer she is (Thanks Appalachian and NCSU). This was her idea and I said run with it, write what you want, and hell I don’t even know if I will look at it.

Alright now the reason I wanted to write this post (again don’t expect this to be a recurring feature so you can keep reading it going forward), I am egotistically thinking some of you may want an update from my vantage point and then there is something I want to share about my journey thus far. If you are reading this I know you are aware that in the past two months I have had three operations and started chemotherapy, everything is going well and I have been very lucky to recover quickly and have not been experiencing crippling side effects like so many have to struggle through. I also have the best support group anyone could want or expect between all of you and it is incredibly humbling. So, thanks.

But, last night and today were especially good for me, I was able to pick up Conor for a hug for the first time in over a month and this morning I was finally able to go back into the gym and participate in a workout with my friends. Was it hard? Yes. Was it tiring? Yes. Was it discouraging because of my setbacks? No, ok maybe a little. Will I be back Friday? Yes. Did I do a 30” box jump just to prove to myself I still could? Hell yes I did (and no honey I didn’t hurt myself).

Many of you know, but I started working out at North Raleigh CrossFit almost one year ago to the day. CrossFit tends to get a bad name because of how many aggressive meat heads tend to flaunt their participation in ways unflattering to the rest of us. (Fun fact 1: depending on whose providing the statistic there are more women that participate in CrossFit than men but it is at a minimum split right down the middle 50/50!) Until this fall I had been going 4-5 days a week and had gone from weighing 262 lbs. down to 225 lbs. and feeling the strongest I have felt since I was 15 when I quit playing High School football and wrestling in favor of band, (yep full on band geek even went to 3 years of college for it, thanks mom and dad). I attribute this to the quality of the coaching and environment that has been built at my gym by them and yes it is my gym. (Fun Fact 2: I drive past another CrossFit “Box” every time I go to work out.) It is thanks to my Coaches/Friends, (Ashley Denton, Jonathan Denton and Jess Uehlin) and my other friends that motivated me that I saw the improvements and success I have. I cannot thank them enough for what they have done for me as they helped put me in the place to beat this challenge and are a big part of the reason my doctors keep looking at my labs and saying “You’re the picture of health…well except…” which would not have been the case at 262 lbs. and would have limited my options and increased the risks associated with my treatment.

In case that support wasn’t enough the head coach/owner Ashley took it upon herself that she wanted to help me through this in some way and sent me a note when this first became public that she wanted to do a fundraiser for me to help with medical bills and that if “I didn’t accept the money she would burn it in my front yard, so I better just accept it.” (ok, I added the in “my front yard” part but the burning and rest was pure Ashley) It is amazing how well she knows me to know that statement would be necessary.

Ashley, I know you will read this and I will never be able to thank you enough for the kindness and support, so consider this my best effort. 🙂

If my story inspires any of you to want to come workout with me just let me know and I will bring you on the next “bring a friend day” or just come join North Raleigh CrossFit and see what a gym family really feels like. (Though put on your grownup pants cause we work hard while having fun.)

Lastly, this has been a hell of a ride already and I will only make one grandioso statement about what I have learned so far. That is, look at the joy in everything – even hardship – and never forget to tell the people you love and appreciate that you do whenever you feel like it.

I love you all,

Preston

Ok, so I’m watching a lot of “This is Us.” It’s about a family and it always has some “AWWWW” factor at the end – a little twist, a connection, something.

Anyways, it reminded me of a little bone I have to pick with Hollywood.

In the show, one character has “Stage 4 Stomach Cancer.” That’s pretty much all that they say. And from the very beginning, they’re meaning it the way a whole lot of people see that diagnosis…

A death sentence.

And because of this factual inaccuracy perpetuated on TV and movies, it made an early “Stage 4 Colon Cancer” diagnosis pretty scary for us, because it really seemed that way at first.

But the staging and treatment of cancer is a lot more complex than that. I mean, obviously. We have every reason to believe that Preston could go cancer free and we’re proceeding in that direction.

I don’t know why I needed to share this observation out into the internet void. Maybe it’s to help everyone look past our cursory medical knowledge and check our assumptions. Perhaps it’s because I’m growing weary of the pity in people’s eyes when they jump to the conclusion that our time with Preston is limited. Maybe it’s just because “This is Us” made me cry and I’m still mad at them.

Either way.

In summary: Stage 4 Cancer is treatable.

Now you know, the rest of the story.

Poor P hasn’t felt too good today. Round 2 so far has been tough. Still some GI issues, a weird jaw pain and just overall fatigue.

But!

Today the first few packages of a “sock bomb” showed up today. P asked for some DeFeet socks for Christmas since his feet have been cold. They’re made in NC (always a goal for him purchase-wise) and they come in loads of fun colors. So, our friends picked their favorite pairs and sent them his way. It was a really welcome surprise. He got a big kick out of it and I know there are more on the way!

Very well timed, friends – and thanks.

Thanksgiving was well timed. As in, P was feeling pretty good because it was a “chemo break” week. And also as in, we had a lot of great family time, some pretty cool activities, and time with our friends. I mean, it pretty much hit all the major “awesome weekend” marks.

Wednesday night, our family came in with their two little boys just to hang out and have dinner. It was SO good to see them. We hadn’t met the littlest one yet, so the baby snuggles were good therapy.

Thursday, of course, was full of eating. It is very easy to get 110g of protein on Thanksgiving. 🙂 We usually go down to Charleston, so it was strange to be in Raleigh this year, but it was wonderful to see my mom’s side of the family, plus my in-laws could participate as well.

Also, pie.

.

We had loads of time to just play – Conor and I spent a good 30 minutes on Friday trying to pop this balloon. It is indestructible. We laughed so so hard.

Saturday, we were treated like royalty by my sister’s boyfriend Zach at the Duke game. Fantastic seats at Cameron Indoor (which is a very cool place), access to the “champions club” and, importantly, the best parking spot ever. Like 6 people had to move cones for us to get to our lot.

We wore our fancy new sweatshirts to hang out with Brendan and Lauren afterwards just to irritate Brendan. But seriously, you have to appreciate how well Duke plays basketball no matter where your alliances are!

Sunday we went to see Moana (it was fantastic) and I decorated with a little help from C. My fake tree is wobbly, but it will do.

There were lots of other fun things in there, too – it was the first time in a while the whole focus of our lives was not on “cancer.”

It’s back to chemo tomorrow. P’s been feeling really good, so he’s bummed to have to start another week of being uncomfortable, but hey, it is what it is.

Because they need a shout out. Well, I guess, you need a shout out.

Preston and I keep finding ourselves saying things like, “We really are lucky” and you’d think that would be, you know, not the default when you have cancer.

But it is, because we are.

We feel so surrounded by our family and friends, that it’s sometimes a bit disorienting. People have been exceptionally generous. We’re so very, very grateful.

We’ve gotten cards from all over the country. People have brought us meals. We’ve had so many offers to watch Conor (I mean, he’s basically the coolest, so, that I get.) Thanks for the gift baskets, gift cards, and encouraging texts. Even the smallest of gestures reminds us that we are not in this alone.

P and I debated whether or not to share our story on social media, but I’m glad we did. Because we have friends from all different parts of our lives that are lifting us up, and we feel it. We can feel you puling for us.

I’d like to lift up a couple of folks in particular:

Our jobs. We’ve had support from all over our respective organizations from bosses to co-workers to members. It is nice not to have to stress about our employment situations on top of everything else. We’re fortunate to be able to do work that is fulfilling, supportive and flexible.

Our parents. Thanks. Keeping us fed and distracted, hanging out with Conor, helping us talk through things – it’s really, really helpful.

My sister/chief man in charge of ALL THE THINGS. You’re amazing. Thank you.

So on this, the day before Thanksgiving, even with all that we have going on, and all the stress and challenges, I am so very thankful.

P.S. I am also thankful that the worst of the chemo side effects are over and Preston can enjoy Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow! And that I can stress eat on a major holiday with no guilt!

I can’t believe I forgot the picture!

Some seriously crazy drugs rolling around in his system. I have faith they are currently zapping all that nasty cancer.

So far, the side effects have been pretty minimal. He is tired and doesn’t have much appetite. I am a serious nag about the protein and trying very hard to not be so annoying… 🙂

Fingers crossed it continues to be fairly smooth sailing!