One thing I’ve gotten a lot in this cancer journey is, “I don’t know how you do it. I would be a mess.”

So first off, no, you wouldn’t be. You’d figure out what you needed to do for your family and you’d do it.

I also get, “You do a great job at self care!” and I usually say, “Oh, I’m just getting through,” but you know what? You’re right. I’m pretty OK at it given the circumstances.

And you can be, too! And it doesn’t have anything to do with pedicures and coloring books. (Unless, of course, that’s your thing, which it might be!)

Here are my favorite survival strategies. (Disclaimer these may or may not work for you. The reason they’re here is because people ask me about it a lot, and this is the advice I tell people when they’re they’re beginning a journey as a care partner. You do you, and I’ve got your back, k?)

1. Buy a chest freezer.
   Is it crazy that this is #1? Maybe. But it’s important! They have some AWESOME freezer-section choices these days along with things like CleanEatz and The Good Kitchen. Order a pile of them, have them delivered, and stash them in the freezer for nights when you don’t want to cook or only need one serving. Keep your fave in there so that you might even look forward to freezer night.
2. The Instant Pot is worth the hype.
   The top two are meal related because that’s where a lot of my stress comes from.
3. Get a good therapist.
   Mine is awesome. I saw him once a week for a few weeks, then tapered off, and now I just call when I need a refresher. He taught me how to breathe better and get my heart rate down, how to distract my brain, and how to reframe pretty much everything. If you’re in Raleigh, here’s his website: https://medicalproblemcounseling.com/
4. Find your “thing” and rally your troops to make sure you have that time.
   Mine is tap class. Pretty much everyone in my life works very hard to make sure I don’t miss them. It is a very important hour of the week. Your thing might be a painting class, or going to the gym, or a run. But, figure out what it is (bonus if it comes with the endorphins/health benefits of being exercise) and make that time a sacred priority.
5. Get over your fear of asking for help from others.
   I really needed help with the yard, so my father-in-law took it over. Yulma keeps my house clean. Lots of folks keep Conor and make sure he has fun.
6. Let yourself have fun with your friends.
   Game nights, wine and craft nights, lunches with dear friends (to talk about cancer or to ignore it completely) has been important for me. It’s not easy to tear myself away from my family for a night out, but I’m always rewarded by the good time I have. Lunches are great because they’re in the middle of the day!
7. But don’t feel compelled to say “yes” to every invitation.
   Not feeling that company holiday party? BAG IT. Feeling like you’re starting to dread your next book club? DITCH. Scheduled a lunch with a friend and now you’re not feeling it? BAIL.
   Seriously. It’s cool. They’ll understand. You don’t even need to explain. Let yourself off the hook. (And to those I’ve cancelled on – know that you were a critical part of my self-care strategy! 🙂 )
8. Sleep.
   Ha! You say. I say “You too can sleep!” and I give you sub-bullets for ideas:

1. Talk to your doctor. You might need some chemical assistance. A half of a pill here and there when I JUST CAN’T helps me fall asleep.
2. Try to stay off of your phone in your room. (HAHAHA sorry. I at least had to put it in there, but, let’s be real.)
3. Sleep With Me pocast. God bless Scooter and his relaxing tones and rambling nature. It will feel TOTALLY BIZARRE at first, but give it a chance.
4. Very boring audiobooks. Did you know that your library probably has an app where you can borrow audiobooks for free? This is perfect for this strategy. I like boring books because it’s enough to keep my brain from churning, but isn’t enough to hold my attention. Here are some that were SO DULL I listened to the entire thing and I can’t tell you what they were about.

• Growing Up Amish
• The Great Courses – The Economics of Decisionmaking
• The Great Courses – Philosophy as a Guide to Living
• The Tipping Point (disclaimer – I genrally like Malcolm Gladwell a lot, but his voice is just perfect for audiobook sleeping. I suspect his podcast would also work for this purpose)
• A Curious Mind – Brian Grayzer (Out like a light every time. I have NO IDEA what this book is about. I could literally tell you nothing and I listened to it every night for 2 weeks.)

Back to the list… 9. Find someone who “gets it.”
It might be a person you already know. It might be someone they match you with on Imerman’s Angels https://imermanangels.org/ (this did not work for me, but I do think it’s a valuable resource.) My tribe is a Stage IV Carepartners Corner in a Facebook Group called Colontown. I can bitch or complain or ask questions and they’ll totally get all of it.

10. Forgive yourself.
Caregiving is HARD. Watching someone you love suffer is ALSO VERY HARD. It’s all HARD. And you will feel terrible. And the ambiguity is most crappy. So. Forgive yourself for the week-long takeout binge. Celebrate when you make your dance classes every week, but don’t get frustrated when you can’t. Give yourself the grace you give your friends and family when they’re having a hard time. Remember that you’re not alone, even though sometimes it feels that way.

Also, as we say in my carepartners group,

KFG.

Keep. Fucking. Going.