It’s been 2 weeks. It’s still super weird. Conor and I are figuring it out. Slowly. And we’re going to a hockey game tonight, which should be big fun.

What falls in the category of “not big fun” are conversations that I would suggest – with the benefit of some hindsight – that you have with your loved ones. Some I think you should do today. Others might not apply to you for a long time, which is great. These are not conversations you want to have with your spouse or parent or friend, but you need to have them.

P and I had done most of these, and to say that it has helped in this time of total pandemonium, would be an understatement.

And, you won’t always know it’s coming like we did, so just do it now. Yes. It’s going to be awkward and it might be painful. But do it right now.

Obviously, my perspective on this is as a spouse, but the same kinds of things apply for other relationships. Take what you will from this and apply it as is relevant for you and your situation.

1. Make a will. Some credit unions have low-cost options. There are templates online. You need one.
2. Today, this very minute, download something like 1password. It’s worth the money. Share every single password you can think of that is connected to something you use. Not just bank accounts. Xbox. Hulu. Instagram. Apple ID. Credit card logins.
3. Make a list of your recurring charges and what cards they come from – coffee deliveries, streaming/internet – anything. Go through your credit card statements and share a document with your important people.
4. Get life insurance policies for everyone in your household.
5. Talk about end-of-life wishes. This is icky. If you’re making decisions for your loved one, you need to know exactly what their wishes are. It will make it easier for you, I promise. This applies to things like cremation v. burial and also healthcare wishes like ventilators. Important: if you don’t think you’re capable of voicing the choices of your loved one, it’s OK to let them designate someone else as power of attorney. I had a lot of comfort knowing exactly what Preston wanted – there was no ambiguity. I’m glad we had those conversations.
6. If you can, consider a financial planner. At the very least, know where every single retirement account is. (I know you have that one 401k from that job from 15 years ago that you probably should pay closer attention to but don’t… have you updated the beneficiary or is it still your brother or something? Go figure it out.)
7. Write down, video, or document where your “special things” came from. I didn’t get the chance to do this with my mother, but that meant that Preston and I took the time to walk through possessions that were particularly special to him and record videos about their provenance.
8. Back up your phones and know how to get to pictures, videos and texts.
9. Know who your service people are – plumbers, AC/heat, yard, etc.

If you are in a position where someone’s death is imminent and you have time to prepare, #1 – I’m really sorry. It’s very hard and I am happy to talk to you about it if it would be helpful and #2 it’s OK if you haven’t done all of the stuff above. You’ll figure it out.

Prioritize passwords like phone lock screens and emails – you can reset most things if you have access to their email accounts. Make sure you can get to their credit card statements to figure out what is recurring.

Do some “memory-making” things like having them walk through their jewelry or other treasures. Record videos of them telling the stories. If their voice has changed significantly or their skin has started to change, then just writing it down is absolutely OK.

Here are some other ideas:

1. Have your loved one make a playlist for you.
2. Make sure you know their “top 5” – books, movies, albums, songs, video games. Or whatever you’d like to do. (Those were the ones our friend Kevin brought up, and it was a wonderful conversation and I’m so glad we had it.)
3. Thumb prints in sculpey clay
4. Make a memory box with stickers or drawings.
5. Hand print art
6. For kids, have your loved one wrap up in a specific blanket and have them pass that along. Conor’s support group leader suggested this, and the blanket she got for Preston is now Conor’s favorite. I also embroidered a note written by P in the corner. You don’t have to be super crafty – a note in a frame works, too.
7. Have them read a book out loud. (I recommend everyone do this – I once recorded P reading Harry Potter to Conor over the baby monitor. I’m glad I did that way back before I knew anything.)

Finally:

Take the vacation.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Yes, memories are better than “things,” but sometimes having a special “thing” makes it feel like they’re closer. It’s OK.

Take more videos – especially of the person that’s always taking the videos.

And look, I’m serious about the password thing. Do it right now.