So I’m kinda obsessed with TikTok. This is 100% the fault of Brandy Mann and I am eternally grateful.

The thing about Tiktok is that it’s this feed of algorithm-driven, 60-second videos. Many are stupid. Some are informative. Quite a few encourage me to buy things (shirts, makeup, skincare cream, new bras – that’s just for starters!) and some help me feel less strange in the world. (Y’all, there is an “Elder Emo Tattoo’d Makers of TikTok” group and we had a meetup on Zoom and it was GLORIOUS and I know you don’t know what that is, but just know that it was GLORIOUS.)

Anyways, this has nothing to do with anything other than, “Hello Beautiful Humans” is the tagline for my favorite Tiktok Creator who talks about vintage glassware and circus sideshow acts and I felt like you needed to know that.

We’ve made it through a year of all three of us working and schooling from home. It’s mostly nice. We’ve settled into a routine (which, like, after a year, you’d certainly hope that a routine would be established). Conor is doing exceptionally well in school under very difficult virtual conditions. Work has been busy for both me and Preston, but we’re managing. Having cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles to play with makes this whole thing quite bearable indeed.

P and I – and pretty much everyone we interact with – are now fully vaccinated and Conor will go back to school in the fall. Summer, and its idle heat, looms, but we’ve joined a pool and have some plans for Conor to spend a couple of weeks with his grandparents. We’ve got a full week at our favorite mountain cabin in Deep Gap and we’re heading to the beach for at least a few days.

I’ve said this a whole lot – probably here somewhere, but I’m entirely too lazy to go back to old entries and see if I’m repeating myself – but time is super strange. I vacillate intensely from wishing it would just hurry the heck up (get to the next thing – the vaccine – summer break – vacation – school starting) and praying like hell that it will slow down (more time together – more patience – lunches on the back porch – kayak trips at the River – spring drives in the jeep -snuggles and movies on rainy days.) I feel guilty when I’m not “living in the moment” which, I assure you, is not helpful in trying to “live in the moment.”

I’m tired, as I imagine most of us are these days. Tired of watching police kill people. Tired of fighting with relatives that don’t care for masks or vaccines. Tired of feeling like half of us are living cautious, careful lives while others are out there as if the pandemic never existed in the first place. Tired of keeping up the pace of work under absolutely impossible circumstances. Tired of watching kids struggle and knowing that so many other kids have it so much worse. Tired of feeling both incredibly grateful to teachers and also SO TIRED of all of the homework and expectations. Tired of grilled cheese sandwiches made in a flurry before the next video call.

But the amazing thing about “tired” is that it doesn’t mean you can’t be a million other things on top of it. You can be exhausted, but also joyous when good scan results come back. (coincidentally, they did – P’s liver radiation worked well and the lung nodules didn’t grow much over the long break for radiation treatment to be completed. We are staying the course on the same every-3-week chemo treatment for now.) You can be tired and still make it out for a run. You can be tired and still have a wonderful playdate with your friend and her daughters. You can be tired and hike all the way up a mountain with your cousin’s family. Tired and read a book. (ok, not that one. Well, maybe some people can do that one, but I can’t.)

“Tired” doesn’t mean “bad.” And things aren’t bad. They’re mostly good. And sometimes really frustrating. And occasionally, very heavy. But mostly they are good and filled with lots of love.

So, for all of you tired warriors out there, keep on keeping on. Let’s breathe in this incredibly chaotic exhausting time and know that we’re getting close to something of a conclusion. But maybe write down one or two of those good things that happened even when our eye lids were heavy and our patience was thin.

Alternatively, if you need a distraction, you should download tiktok.

But maybe not if you’re tired – it ain’t great for sticking to bedtime. Ha. Balance, right?