I’ve had this whole plan to “blog all of the time!” “It will be good therapy!” “So cathartic!” “Plus people will be up to date!”

Yeah. That lasted, what, one post?

I guess none of this has felt all of that interesting. Chemo sucks. It sucked before, it sucks now. He gets really nauseated for 4 days or so and then starts to feel a bit better and then it starts all over again. I sleep in the guest room and work from home. Conor’s amazing. Our family is incredible. So, we’re pretty good (all things considered.)

This weekend my sister got married. It was a wonderful few days and a beautiful distraction and a reminder of just how uplifting life can be. I had to take a moment to breathe during their first dance, but other than that, I held things together pretty well.

My therapist says I’m very, very good at hiding my feelings.

I think that’s a compliment maybe? It’s just that I’m good at compartmentalizing. As long as I can keep myself from spiraling – that’s the trick. Because if I start down the “how long do people with stage 4 colon cancer live” google search rabbit hole, man it’s game over.

I keep trying to remember this: Medicine is advancing literally every day. Preston is young and strong and stubborn. Our team is incredible. And being sad doesn’t really help anything, does it? It just makes me not enjoy the time I have.

And remember, that’s what we have. That’s how we live. No sense in screwing it up.

I had the best of intentions to write more often, but you know, road to hell and all…

P had the first (actually 13th) chemo last week. It was three tough days. I’m not sure if it was actually worse or if we just don’t remember that it was that bad the first time. The good news is that the new drug doesn’t come with the weird side effects that Oxaliplatin had, but it had plenty of your traditional chemo unpleasantness.

He did bounce back pretty quickly and had a rather amazing experience on Friday in Charlotte at a concert with some friends. You probably already saw it on Facebook, but here’s the video: https://youtu.be/DyfMcsbFHwU

Conor has been amazing. I think he feels pressured to be on his best behavior. I kinda wish he didn’t – but he’s definitely more aware this time around.

We’re much better at settling back into regular routines – part of it is Conor’s age, another is that Preston is working still so he gets back to work as soon as he’s able. I do pretty well during the day. Nights are tough, but our motto is “Better Living Through Modern Medicine” so between that and a boring audiobook, I’m able to stay distracted enough to fall asleep.

Thanks for the love and cards. Preston’s crowd surfing experience feels very much like a metaphor for our life right now – lots of hands holding us up, but pretty scary and not a lot of control as to where we’re heading or how to get there.

This week we snuck away. Because we have gracious, supportive employers, we left the Outlook behind and spent the week at the River just playing. It was (mostly) magic. The extended family was there on the weekends, so we got in plenty of time with our aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc., and then had plenty of time just the three of us. It rained (a lot) but we still had time to swim, fish, kayak, jump in puddles, hurl ourselves down the giant slip ‘n slide and just generally have a good time. We watched movies and slept in (thanks, Mom, Dad and Mimi!) and P and I even had time for a nice dinner out at Spoon River. We took the ferry to Aurora to the fossil museum and dug for sharks teeth. We ate Kings Chicken on the waterfront in Washington. I did a little shopping in downtown Belhaven (my new skirt will debut on Wednesday). We traveled to Hyde County to go searching for bears (we found them. It was awesome.)

And there were times that I totally forgot what tomorrow will bring. Another round of chemo. 46 hours with the pump. The guest room.

And forgetting was great!

But then I would remember.

Night time is the hardest for me. Or when I’m alone. That was rare this week, and so that worked out well. At night I managed to keep the darker dwellings at bay with an audio book and some killer sleeping pills, but every so often I had a tough time and I think it probably showed.

This afternoon I thought I needed some “alone time” so I left P with his new TV and Xbox (the chemo fairy is generous indeed) and C with the grandparents and I went off to Crossroads. Craft stores (3!), DSW, Target, Coffee & Crepes – what’s not to love? I was doing pretty well until I thought it was a good idea to look at Fathers Day cards. (Seriously, y’all, what the heck was I thinking?) and I was really on the verge of losing it when my cousin Susan came up to me! She probably didn’t realize it, but she was just what I needed to snap me out of it.

If you’re reading this – thanks, Susan!

This all sucks a lot. It feels different than last time, though. It’s definitely less hectic – the first time around, there was dealing with the initial diagnosis, his former employer (good LORD I’m glad we don’t have to deal with those awful people again), urgent surgery, and just getting used to the whole idea.

This time, it still took us by surprise, but we know what we’re doing. P knows to get the deodorant that doesn’t smell too strong and to shave his chest near the port so the bandage stays on better. I know to stock up on craft supplies and move some clothes into the guest room. Conor knows that he’ll have more sleepovers at Granna and Grandaddy’s.

Somehow the cats know how to be more annoying.

I also know to take a sleeping pill and turn on my audio book which is what I’ve done, so I’ll sign off for now. Thanks for the notes and the cards – we’re glad to have you all in our corner.